


I love you, I love you most, more now

by SHSL_ex_SOLDIER



Category: RWBY
Genre: Eugene Lee Yang's, F/F, I FELT THAT, I'm gay, Inspired By, a coming out fic, it's about the found family, lgbtq+, more on comfort, posting this right before i attend my first pride march, read for that gay hurt and comfort, this one goes out to all of us
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-29
Updated: 2019-06-29
Packaged: 2020-05-28 19:13:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,571
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19400590
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SHSL_ex_SOLDIER/pseuds/SHSL_ex_SOLDIER
Summary: Before Weiss could come out, she had to come to terms with herself first.





	I love you, I love you most, more now

**Author's Note:**

> **To anyone who needed to read this, know that it's okay for you to be who you are. The world is not as kind as it should be but there are still kinder people out there who will accept you. You are amazing and you are loved.**
> 
> _Be brave, be kind, be who you are. We got your back, friend._

_I love you, I love you most, more now_

* * *

Weiss never knew what ‘different’ meant until one Tuesday.

She remembered it happening on a Tuesday. It’s hard to forget one’s first kiss but that wasn’t what made that Tuesday special. In fact, the kiss was the last thing she’d remember whenever recalling the events of that day. That Tuesday was less special and more unforgettable.

Gods, how she wished she could forget.

She was seven and in love. Maybe that was too young to be in love but she was sure she liked this one girl enough to kiss her.

Her father thought otherwise. 

Weiss never knew what ‘different’ meant until the day it slapped her in the face.

On that same day, Weiss also learned the other things that came with the word. There’s anger and violence and pain and guilt and shame and fear. 

There’s the anger in her father’s shouts, so loud that it echoes in her head years after. There’s the violence in his every strike, so brutal that the scar on her face is nothing compared to the scars left inside of her. There’s the pain that comes with the realization, so crippling that she’s never been able to move as freely ever since. There’s the guilt of doing something deplorable, so heavy that she wouldn’t have enough strength to carry anything else. There’s the shame in disappointing her parents, so pungent that it suffocates her to this day. Then there’s the fear.

So _much_ fear.

At the time, she didn’t understand what she did wrong. All she ever understood was that _she_ was _wrong_.

A Schnee was never ‘wrong’, never ‘different’, never this disgrace that her father told her she was precisely bringing into this family. She was a Schnee and she was told to be what she had to be, what she was _expected_ to be.

Anything ‘different’ was no daughter of his and if she wasn’t a Schnee then who was she?

So she did her best impression of being ‘not different’— 

And nothing’s ever felt right since then.

* * *

Beacon was different.

Maybe that’s what attracted her to apply to such a faraway academy.

Or maybe she just wanted to get as far away from her father as possible.

Far, far away from Tuesdays that became every day.

For whatever true agenda, she’s already here. A different kingdom, with a different culture, filled with different people. Anywhere she looked was a new sight and if she let herself, it could lead to a new experience.

Some new experiences came with old and buried feelings.

Perhaps new wasn’t entirely accurate. After all, this wasn’t the first time she’s seen two girls innocently holding hands with blushes that say otherwise. And she doubted this would be the last time she’d see two guys sneak kisses when they think no one else was watching. Others, the bolder ones, do without the shyness. 

But what struck her the most was just how public these displays of affection were. 

It was never this _open_ in Atlas. It catches her breath every time.

She’s starting to think that maybe different isn’t so bad. At least seeing others like this doesn’t feel wrong, just… _different._

Weiss has never hated anyone else for being different but she’s never quite loved herself for ever being the same.

But maybe it would be different here.

She thought that ‘maybe’ was all she’ll ever have.

* * *

Just because others were different didn’t give her the right to be as well.

Things may be different here at Beacon but at the end of the day, she’ll still go home to Atlas. She’ll go back to being a Schnee where different was met with punishment. 

She wasn’t different. She wasn’t supposed to be different. She was told to be anything but different. And for most of her life, she thought she had mastered the art of pretending to be not different.

Oh, how she tried.

She could see the signs. The aversion to certain advances of one gender. The lingering gazes to a certain other gender. She was slipping up and as if a spotlight were on her, she could see every exposing sign.

And she was afraid that everyone else could see them too.

That’s why she tried harder. She had to try harder otherwise there would be repercussions. There were always repercussions to being different, she should know. 

So she faced the spotlight and used it to her advantage. She ‘fixed’ the signs she was sending by doing the opposite. She even went as far as entertaining someone’s unwanted courtship just to further solidify this whole image she had going on.

To a certain extent, she was successful. She had convinced the others that she was thriving as someone not different. And she wanted to believe that she had convinced herself too.

But an image has to be constant, it was supposed to be static, unchanging. 

And Weiss was only human.

She’s ever changing and slowly, she’s growing.

She could build an image and try to maintain it for as long as she could but she wouldn’t be able to keep it up forever.

And every moment she spent with a certain girl, she realized that the facade would end sooner.

* * *

Ruby was different, and Weiss meant that in every sense of the word.

She was unlike any person she’s met before. She was unlike any _girl_ she’s met before.

She was always moving. She’s never met anyone quite as restless as Ruby who runs instead of walks and babbles instead of talks.

Her first impression of Ruby hadn’t been the best but her partner was determined to prove that she could do better.

What Ruby lacked in tact, she made up for in perseverance. Oh, how she had loads of it. When Weiss was not being swept up by her pace, Ruby was hauling her along— sometimes literally.

That’s another thing that Weiss had to get used to around Ruby. She was affectionate, physically so, and it was bewildering. She’d ask for high fives, she’d cling onto her arms, she’d nuzzle into hugs. One time she even hopped on her lap and embraced her just for dramatic effect. It was annoying.

Or at least it used to be annoying until it became endearing.

Weiss wasn’t quite sure when the shift happened. Maybe there was no shift at all, nothing so clear cut like the ice back in Atlas. Maybe it was more gradual and natural like how the colors blended here in Beacon. But if there was anything that Weiss was sure of, it’s that her feelings for Ruby were different.

No one else made her smile quite as much as Ruby did. And no one else put in as much effort too. Who else would be stupid enough to get someone their favorite ice cream flavor to cheer them up when the said sick person had tonsillitis? 

Only Ruby. 

And Ruby did that _only_ for Weiss.

It was stupid but it was stupidly sweet. To be fair, Ruby didn’t know what tonsillitis meant when Weiss messaged her that reason for not feeling well. And to her partner’s credit, she went out in the middle of the night and made her soup when she realized that ice cream might not have been her best idea. She also made cookies to share while she was at it because that’s just a Ruby thing to do. She was unique that way.

Ruby was different. 

Falling for Ruby was different.

It was not only different, but also inevitable.

* * *

Weiss always knew she was different.

She could fool everyone else but herself. And that’s precisely what she did every day. She put on a show for the spotlight and she was great at it. 

She was great and absolutely _miserable_ at it.

It’s not like she had the choice to do otherwise. This was just how her life has always been and this would continue for as long as her father had a say in it, and her father used more than just words for persuasion. So the show must go on.

But there were some days when she would dare to stop. 

Pause for a moment. 

Hesitate. 

There were moments where she’d foolishly believe that maybe she could put the show on hold. Maybe, just maybe, she could be honest with herself— 

With others about herself. 

There were these moments when the longing to be true was so great that it was as if she was possessed with desperation. Moments that feel as significant as the stars aligning. Moments where the right people gather and the right words are shared as if pieces falling into the right places. It was during these moments that Weiss felt the greatest impulse to seize them.

But every time she’d gather just enough courage to think that... 

She’d choke up.

Fear would grab her by the throat and strangle her until she couldn’t breathe. It just wouldn’t allow her, denying her this right. 

She felt as if letting herself exist differently would be the end of her. 

Even when she was in the safest of spaces, fear would somehow always manage to sneak in the tiniest of crevices and bloom a treacherous weed in her heart. 

And once fear has taken root, it was just too difficult to uproot. 

She knew what everyone else thought. She knew that they’d understand. She knew that they’d be _accepting._

When Nora, without any preamble, declared her appreciation for both members of the gender, no one batted an eyelid. When Ren shared that he has no preferred gender identity, the rest addressed him properly.

When Jaune wore a dress to the prom, they complimented him. When Pyrrha had nothing to share differently but had all the support to give, they welcomed her as an ally.

When Yang and Blake announced that they were together, only cheers of congratulations were shared. 

Weiss was surrounded by people whom she felt safest with and yet…

And yet they weren’t enough to keep her fears from suffocating her.

When Ruby opened up to her about not being sure of her own orientation, she didn’t ask why or tell her how to make up her mind. Weiss simply accepted that and encouraged her on her own self discovery.

If only she could be this understanding with herself too.

“Hey, you don’t need to force yourself. Just do it whenever you’re ready, Weiss.”

Ruby had answered her as if she had heard what Weiss was so afraid to voice out herself.

“I… I wish I was ready now.”

She also wished she could be as brave as her partner. 

“Don’t be too harsh on yourself. You’ve already had it hard enough from others.”

Weiss wanted to tell her that the person hardest on herself was actually her own person.

“You’re doing that thing again. You really gotta learn to be kinder to yourself. Good thing that your bestest partner is here to teach you!”

She really had to hand it to Ruby just for being herself. Maybe Weiss should learn from her although she would never be caught saying that out loud.

“You? Teach me? You’re practically a dolt.”

“Yeah, so prepare to be schooled by your dolt!”

Laughter came naturally to her as it always did whenever with Ruby. And just like always, she laughed. She laughed longer than she intended to. She laughed and laughed until tears spilled from her eyes. Then she wasn’t laughing anymore but rather crying. She couldn’t remember anymore why she was laughing earlier but now all of the reason came to her through sobs.

She just wanted to be just like her partner. She just wanted to be braver. She just wanted to be different.

Was that asking for too much?

She then felt the reassuring weight of her partner as she was held the whole time.

“I’m so proud of you.”

Weiss thought that she had always wanted to hear those exact words from her father but hearing them from Ruby, she now thought that this was what she needed.

* * *

Being different meant that there would always be someone to point it out.

And sometimes they don’t have the best intentions.

She thought she had been careful. She thought she had been discreet with her preferences. She thought she had been fooling everyone with her performance. She thought wrong.

The truth would always come out…

And so had she.

When her father personally asked for her to come home for the winter break despite knowing that it has always been mandatory for her to do so, Weiss knew there was something. She knew something was wrong and something _worse_ was about to happen.

But it wasn’t like she could refuse him. Just like fear, her father held her by the throat.

Except this time she didn’t come alone. Ruby wouldn’t let her leave alone. In truth, Weiss was more worried for bringing her partner along but it would also be a lie to say that she wasn’t comforted by her presence.

Despite the comfort, it wasn’t enough to protect her from her father’s wrath.

“Just what do you think you’re doing?!”

It’s always Tuesday every day at home.

For every instance that she’s caught being different, what would follow after has always been the same. The same anger and violence and pain and guilt and shame and fear. The same torment she has to put up with from the same demon.

“You’re a Schnee! Act proper like one! Not whatever _this_ is!”

Except this time was different from all those other times.

For every hurtful word he’d spout, Weiss heard the reassuring words of her friends softly echo inside her head. They started out as soft whispers. But as her father raised his voice, so too did the strength in her friends’ affirmation. There were so many voices she had to choose from to listen to.

But what of her own voice?

All this time she believed she didn’t have any. She was never allowed to have a say. So all of these words unspoken, she’s kept them to herself. Bottled up in bottles just a crack away from bursting. 

Of all the voices she’s been hearing, there’s one in particular that she wanted to hear the most. 

Ruby, who had chosen to stay and suffer alongside her, offered her silent support. Looking back, Weiss thought she wouldn’t be as brave if her partner hadn’t been there. When she felt Ruby squeeze her hand, she made up her mind.

This time was going to be different.

“No! No more!”

This time, Weiss _wants_ it to be different.

“I’m sick and tired of you telling me who I am! Of you telling me how _wrong_ I am! Well I’m not! It took me a long while to unlearn all of the twisted things you’ve taught me but I now realize that the only wrongness in this room is you!”

This has been a long time coming. She just wished she had stood up for herself sooner.

“You’ve done nothing but hate me for being different. Not once did you ever try to listen and understand. You just decided for yourself that I didn’t suit _your_ standards and so I must be ‘corrected’.” 

She’s played the puppet for too long and now she’s ready to cut those strings.

“But that’s not your decision to make. This life is _mine._ ”

It has always been her life to live. It just took her awhile to realize something that should have been obvious from the start. It took her longer because her so called family had also been at the start, twisting truths until they were unrecognizable. 

How could she have known any better? She hadn’t. She was spoon fed lies and discrimination and she swallowed them along with her voice. She had spent most of her life believing what she was told.

Until the day she saw otherwise. Until the day she left home and actually experienced the world herself, learning the truths withheld from her. Until the day she met other different people who thought differently from what she was told. Until the day she started listening to her own voice. 

Now it’s _his_ turn to shut up and listen.

“As your father, I have a right to say about the things you do!”

“Your _right?_ Well what about _my_ rights?!”

But Weiss knew better now. And she fought harder.

“Silence! I have tolerated your misbehavior long enough. If you don’t learn your place and change yourself as deem fitted then you’re no daughter of mine!”

“Fine! It isn’t as if you were much of a father to me anyways.”

“You think you’ll survive out in the world as _that_?”

“That’s another thing where you’re wrong. Everything you had put me through just because I was different— all the repressing. So, so _much_ repressing... Staying in this household was _surviving._ Getting away from here however, being somewhere I can be myself and with people who accept me—that’s even better. That’s when I start _living._ ”

She knew what she was throwing away. But she also knew that she was protecting something greater.

She was fighting for herself. For a chance to be herself. For her _right_ to be herself.

She shouldn’t have to fight for her rights but she _damn_ well would fight hard for them if she has to.

“Platitudes won’t earn you any respect, especially not with what you think you are.”

“I _know_ just _who_ I am. And who I am doesn’t need your opinion when I already respect myself plenty enough!”

Weiss left more than just her house on that day. And that’s okay. What she lost was nothing compared to what she had protected.

It wasn’t easy. Even though her father had been the single most toxic influence in her life, cutting him off meant cutting off a lot of other things too. She was disinherited and without financial support and it was much harder than she realized.

But she’ll live. She also had greater support than she first thought. Ruby and the rest of her friends didn’t leave her to figure out all of this alone. She didn’t have lien to her name but they still stayed with her. That’s how she knew that she chose the right family.

She walked out on her first family only to come home to her found family.

* * *

It’s different but it’s also worth it.

Weiss had come so far since she left Atlas, and since she left her so called father for good. She’s been better. 

She’s been living a different life.

Ever since she’s found her voice, she’s been speaking up more. For every person she’s opened up to is another person that’s accepted her. It was empowering. She’s been steadily filling in the gaps where fear used to be with confidence. 

She’s learning that fear has just been holding her back from experiencing the world, from connecting with others, from living her best life.

When Weiss finally gathered enough courage, she spent it first and foremost on introducing herself to her sister. Her sister who taught her to be independent. Her sister who she loved and admired the most. Her sister who was the only one who truly felt like family among those she shared blood with.

Her sister who she hoped would still be her sister at the end of the day.

When Weiss came out to Winter, she was every bit afraid as when she first considered the thought. She didn’t even dare to look at her during her confession because the fear of finding out what her sister truly thought was too much. She was only brave enough to go so far.

But as she felt the warm touch of fingers carefully lifting her gaze up, she could almost hear Winter telling her to chin up. 

Chin up, eyes forward, stand tall and proud.

And that’s how she came to see her sister’s face. That’s how she started to realize that maybe those fears were unfounded. Because this wasn’t her cruel father looking down on her. This was her sister. Her sister who looked at her as if she was the whole world.

There was no anger, no violence, no pain, no guilt, no shame, no fear. 

Only understanding—

—And love.

So much love, unexpected and selfless, and _accepting._

Weiss felt she could breath just a bit easier ever since her confession and she felt just a bit closer with Winter as well.

She’s still not ready to tell the whole world yet but she still talks. For now, she’s been telling every important person of _her_ world and maybe that would be enough. She’s still figuring it out. As a certain important girl in her life once said, she didn't have to force herself. 

Maybe she wasn't ready back then but it's different now.

And as she took Ruby’s hand in hers, Weiss feels just a bit braver now.

“Ruby, meet Winter, my sister. Winter, meet Ruby… my girlfriend.”

Despite her whole life telling her how wrong this was, now she was talking back.

There’s nothing wrong with being different.

And once she’s accepted that, everything else felt _right._

* * *

Weiss was different.

No, she was more than just ‘different’.

She was gay.

And maybe, slowly, eventually, she was okay with that.

_Finally—_

She was gay, and happy.

**Author's Note:**

>  **This was heavily inspired from watching Eugene Lee Yang's I'm Gay video. The title of the fic is a lyric from the song used A Moment Apart by ODESZA.**
> 
> I really wanted to get this feeling across. Slowly learning to love yourself especially in times when it's hardest to love yourself. And growing up "different" or growing up gay or whatever label you identify with especially if/when you live in a homophobic environment makes it SO HARD to even love yourself.
> 
> I remember back when I was still coming to terms with my orientation and identity, I didn't have any support systems at first. My family was homophobic and I was too deep in the closet to confirm if my friends weren't. So I latched onto media. Representation was sparse and not all were good. But whatever little good I could find, I cherished with all my soul. 
> 
> So I hope this could be another comfort to those who might needed to read this.
> 
> **Learning to love yourself is a process and you are a work in progress. It's okay. You'll get there. Eventually.**
> 
> _I hope you the best on your own journey. And when the times feel its worst, I hope you learn to love yourself so hard in spite of it all. Take care, friend._


End file.
